Tragedy has struck for many PHS educators and their office supplies recently. Within a few short weeks, many staplers mysteriously disappeared with no hope of return. 

The first reported incident occurred in Spanish teacher Brandon Preator’s room. A student had asked to borrow his stapler, but he said yes while typing at his computer, so he was unaware of who asked for it. Unable to confront a specific student, he turned to the faculty for help. 

“I sent an email saying, ‘If anyone’s seen an extra stapler with my name on it, I would like to get it,’” Mr. Preator said. “Then, all of a sudden, all the teachers are emailing back saying ‘I’m missing my stapler, too’ or ‘I’m missing two staplers.’” 

This email chain started as a place to file missing reports, but developed into much more. It consisted of an abundance of stapler jokes, the occasional light-hearted accusation, and encouragement to subdue their communal sense of loss. 

“Last semester, my stapler went missing as well,” English teacher Mr. Logan Burns said. “I feel better knowing that I’m not the only one suffering through this crisis.” 

Some staplers have been untrifled with. It is unknown the exact reason why some staplers have been left untouched, but the unaffected teachers have ideas. Welding and woods teacher Ty Myers is confident that it is due to his natural ability to ward off any burglars.  

“There is a direct relation between being stolen from and being tatted, having a braided goatee, and wearing a hoodie,” Mr. Myers said. “If you put that whole package together, no one messes with your stuff.”

Even though English teacher Mrs. Amy Moore has not been inclined to adopt the same intimidation techniques as Mr. Myers, she has utilized other precautionary measures. 

“I got an acrylic painter pen with white ink and wrote my room number on it,” Mrs. Moore said. “I also sent out an email saying I would personalize other staplers.”

The ineffectiveness of some staplers has allowed the owner to forgo any security measures. Choir teacher Rachel Schoessler has been protected from potential thievery due to the undesirable qualities of her stapler. 

“My staplers are not stolen,” Mrs. Schoessler said. “Probably because in the email thread I said, ‘You’re welcome to steal my staplers’ because I have a stapler curse and none of my staplers work.”

Whether they fail to perform well or have gone missing, staplers are in high demand at the moment. The faculty of PHS will continue to mourn as they await the return of their beloved paper-punching devices. 

“Whoever is doing it, it’s all fun and games to them, but it’s an inconvenience to the teachers,” science teacher Lenita Moore said. “They need to reflect on their actions and return the staplers.”