“Boys and girls of every age

Wouldn’t you like to see something strange?

Come with us and you will see” …                                           

    Tim Burton “This is Halloween”

CANDY CORN IN JULY? Yes please. Along with sweaters, scarves, crazy winds; it’s now socially acceptable to buy cups of pumpkin-flavored drinks. However, this sort of flabbergasting frolicking fun comes a dastardly devious demise. It makes time seem as if you’re walking through butter with 10-pound weights tied to both feet while a crow is attacking you. The time drags by so much slower because you never know what day of the week it is anymore.

BUT on the other hand it gives you more time to plan costumes and PARTIES. This also happens with other holidays such as Christmas in November and you know the other holiday about eating food, which is actually in November, right? (And is now practically nonexistent) Wrong, don’t do this to people, we are already confused enough as it is. We don’t need to think it is Christmas on Halloween night.

However, since the months August and September are holiday-less (excluding Labor Day), we don’t really need to complain much. We can just get hype for the local football games and newest Netflix shows.

Yet there are also good things about having early sales on holiday decorations, such as getting excited in general for the holidays. Like, heck yeah, we want massive quantities of chocolate and a possible sugar-induced-coma. AND heck yeah I want fancily wrapped presents and all the fuzzy socks. AND we can convince our mothers she needs to “practice” making yummy food for the food holiday in November where you have to wear sweatpants for an entire week afterwards. You know, since Walmart is practically yelling “HALLOWEEN food CHRISTMAS love GrEeN CHOCOLATEBUNNY ‘mErIcA.”

HOWEVER, here are some ways to better prepare yourself for the early holiday sales and be mentally prepared for everything. Do one or none; just be prepared to laugh or be appalled.

1. Just go with it. There is not a whole lot you can really do to make them NOT put the merchandise on the shelves.
2. RANT to everyone. Like this. “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. AND HECK NO” This is a joke. (MAYBE) But it is OK to sometimes rant to a friend because a true friend would understand and support your endless pain from the struggle of knowing what day/ month/ time it is.
3. Beat them to it. Be the one to start wearing Christmas sweaters in August. Be the one to start wearing red-white-blue in March. Just do it. ‘merica. I want you to change Walmart.
4. Start a petition. If you don’t like it make them change it. Go get your hundred some signatures and be the change you want to see in Walmart. Advocate yourself. You go Glenn Coco.
5. Sabotage?
6. Buy Walmart. You are now a Karen in the world. You are the manager.
7. Blow up all the Walmart? JUST MAKE ‘EM GO BOOM.
8. Make it illegal? Be like California and start making everything illegal (like plastic straws)
9. Buy them out of their décor, every single season and burn it in the parking lot. Except for the chocolate candy corn those go to Cappy. Just be like “THIS STUFF IS ON FIIIREEE!!!”
10. Become the president of the United States? AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. SCHEDULES USE THEM. BUY A CALENDAR IT KNOWS WHATS UP.

(NOTE: All of these suggestions are meant to be humorous, we do not consent the burning of a building or sabotage.)

Anywho … next time you are in a Walmart then see the early holiday decorations, just remember you can use any of our 10 steps. (Or not. Some may or may not be illegal)