Dear President-Elect Biden,

It appears you have won the election. They say the U.S. Presidency is the most powerful position in the world, so I trust you will waste no time in observing my advice for your first term as president.

After careful consideration, I have developed the following top-10 most important issues that must be addressed as soon as possible:

1)     Male pregnancy should be legalized. It’s just not fair that women should have to carry the baby every time.

2)     If you put pineapple on your pizza, you too belong on the pizza. Enough said.

3)     Arsonists should get a discount on gasoline. How else will they fuel their flamboyant, fiery desires?

4)     All males should henceforth be named Elvis Presley, in honor of The King..

5)     People who snore in their sleep should have their esophaguses removed. No one wants to listen to that. No one.

6)     Left-handed people should have their left hand removed. Let natural selection take its course.

7)     Inhalers should replace vapes. It solves asthma and addiction.

8)     Replace graduation with The Hunger Games. That should weed out the weak from the strong.

9)     Legalize cannibalism. It would solve both world hunger and overpopulation. Remember the Donner Party?

10)  Finally, delete math and bring back nap time. Let’s face it, even you need a midday slumber every once in a while.

I have full confidence that you will take these suggestions seriously, as I have spent many hours contemplating and compiling the true needs of our nation.

Thank you,

– Aiden Chandler